Healing Isn't Linear: The Fall Back

When I left Sydney at 26, it was to heal. I’d battled depression most of my life and one emotional day fuelled the upheaval to a complete change of scenery. I’d fallen slightly back into the darkness twice since leaving, but this was a consumption.

I was in Plovdiv, Bulgaria. I’d always loved this week of the year. ANZAC Day was full of great memories with family and friends - my homesickness was at its peak. With celebrations at home and a bank holiday in England - I couldn’t really get through to anyone.

Plovdiv, Bulgaria

I didn’t try hard enough, I suppose. I was back in a toxic relationship, one that many never knew about, and the ones that did, didn’t know the full extent of it. I wanted to speak to someone. I needed to vent, but I didn’t know where to go.

Plovdiv reminded me how confident and creative I am. I was back with Expats. With travellers. With passionate people. I was being held back, supporting someone. Being dragged down. I was financially strained from investing in us, stressed from my workload, love-starved and lonely.

And it happened. I spent the first few months of summer in long-sleeve shirts and avoiding questions. Even a year on, it’s still there, reminding me, like a shitty phone alarm.

My throwback pictures appear and I can see it in my face. The way I’m holding myself. You’d never know, and likely never guess, unless I continue my healing journey and write to release.

It’s probably the only thing I’m happy I failed at.

Sweating in long-sleeves

If that door hadn’t been broken down, I would have missed out on a lot of really good things in my life.

1. I would have never seen Greece. Never learnt a physical (and mental) strength that comes from working on an island for 6 weeks.

2. I would have never seen Albania. Learnt to be truly humble and see the generosity of people a lot poorer than me.

3. I would have never swum in the beautiful bay of Kotor, Montenegro.

4. I would have never changed my life in Croatia.

5. Never heard the news of my best friends getting pregnant, engaged, promotions, new relationships and life-changing breakups.

6. I would have never ended the toxic relationship that held me back for two years

7. I wouldn’t have brought in my 30th on the crystal clear waters of the Mediterranean, with generous and kind people helping remind me that love doesn’t always come from a partner.

8. I wouldn’t have met all the magic souls in the last year and shared wonderful memories throughout this big beautiful world of ours. I can count so many new best friends I am blessed with.

9. I would have never been able to add ‘Head of Content’ to my CV - a goal I’ve had since my Myspace days (and before it was called ‘Content’)

10. I would have never seen Budapest, embraced into an international LGBTQ+ community as an out bisexual woman - a huge step for queer people.

11. I would have never moved to The Netherlands, experienced a Kings Day, or moved into a flat that finally feels like it was made for me.

12. I would never have seen my career restart again after two long years of COVID. Events, bars and restaurants are back and so is my creative niche.

Finally, I would have never started showing up as me. Embracing my truth online and in person. Refusing to apologise for who I am and what I have been through. Attracting abundance and positivity. Inspired and content.

I don’t even know for sure where my head will go. I manage my issues as well as I can, all things considered. I’m happy I’m here. And I'm happy to share my life with you.

Here are some of the highlights I would have missed...